I know it has been a while since I posted on this blog and in my journal, as you read in my last journal entry. I revealed my husband cheated on me.
Since I discovered him cheating, my trust has descended, and he has aged substantially. It’s been years, and I’ve still haven’t forgiven him. Despite him going out of his way to prove to me he isn’t cheating. I often ask myself, why is it so hard for me to forgive him? I concluded the austerity of why.
You see, it was how long his infidelity had taken place. I can forgive one night, but he carried on an affair for years before, the day of, and after we got married. It is too much to forgive.
There are too many unanswered questions and non believe answers—
-Did he stop seeing the woman /women?
-Did he learn how to cover it up better?
I may have these unanswered questions, but I honestly don’t think he’s still cheating. When will he find the time? He and I work so much, and he’s constantly checking in with me. I can also track him, among other things. I also have his phone lock code, passwords, etc. But…
Why can’t I forgive him?
Why didn’t I cry that much?
Do I Care?
Am I or Was I ever attracted to Him?
I mean, I was more disappointed and jealous because he got to explore, and I had to be the faithful wife. There were so many men I’d turned down. Some I wanted to hit it and quit it.
I’ve asked him many-many-many times. Does he want an open marriage? Whereas we can sleep around but have rules. He always refused (no surprise).
To retain my sanity and get rid of the feeling of being used and made a fool. I wanted to feel the passion of making love and kissing. I had to have an affair. If you read my previous journal entries, you know where that led.
After having that affair, hearing that his lies have not ended, and also seeing how easy for him to lie still. I realize that it’s time to end this stale and stalling marriage. Because I recognize our intimacy has been over years ago. The passion ended many years ago. Or was it ever there. I honestly don’t think it’s ever been there. I believe we both settled because we fit so well together. So, it’s back to the original question.
Kisha, have you ever been in love with your husband? Or was he just your escape?
The answer is- I was in love with the life we had/have. It was so different from my crazy life at the time. My husband offered stability, and he treated me like a lady. He made me want to become a better person and braver. That dark cloud of doubt had faded. I loved it! He was my night and shiny armor, my black knight, and still my best friend. I was intoxicated and devoured in that feeling, whereas I didn’t see who he indeed was. A man, a perplexed man. Here I was working my ass off trying to achieve and prepare us for a better life. Meanwhile, he was exploring his sexual fantasies. NOT FAIR!
Did I emasculate him? Was I too driven and independent?
Does this explain why he never wholly supported me, even though I supported him?
Oh, Kisha, it’s over. You deserve better. This time next year, I will probably be a single woman.
I vow never to marry again.
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