I Want a Divorce after 20+ Years! What happened?! | Journal Entry (17)-Sept 7, 2021

I know it’s been a while since I posted about my marriage or anything personal on this blog. Reason being that I thought this blog was going to shut down. I didn’t renew my membership. But faith has it, I had forgotten to remove my credit card, and they charge me again. So, I guess I’m here to stay for another year. With that said, let’s go back–

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Rebuttal to my Last Post

In my last journal entry, I talked about disassociating myself and reflecting on my life.

Well, if many of you have been following my IG or Tik Tok, you would’ve found out that my husband lied again. But this time he lied, about getting the vaccine. I know why he got It. His job was cornering him to get It, among other reasons. However, looking back at all the times he lied to me. That it is what I can’t seem to grasp. This man looked me in the eyes many times and lied. I remember seeing a pin on his nightstand that said,

“I got vaccinated,” and I asked him again did he get vaccinated. He told me then, and I quote

 “Oh, they had those lying around.”

I had a funny feeling then that he was lying. But I let It go. Reflecting on that made me question everything he’s ever said to me.

Does he believe my theories?

Does he think I’m a nutcase?

When he says I’m correct about something, does he mean It?

These are just a few questions I’ve been pondering. You see, the lies from my husband go years back. I have come to realize that my husband is an expert in lying. He can make up a story at a drop of a hatch with a straight face. The man I married is a stranger.

That halo that he had is no longer there. The safety net and the initial reason I got involved with him which was my way of escaping my life at the time. But all I did was continue living a lie, but this time it wasn’t mine. It was my husband. I’m his lie. I’m his fake image of a perfect marriage to show off to his family and friends.

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The other day, I decided to go down memory lane, and then I realized I was so unhappy. I wasn’t in the best of shape, and I barely smiled. But pictures of him showed him very fit and not sexually frustrated like I was at the time. Hence the weight gain. That is when I decided to investigate, and that’s when I remembered.

My husband had been cheating on me for years.

How did I not notice this?

Did I work that much?

He was paying hookers to do sick things to him.

Here’s the crazy part- I found out about this years ago. But due to my financial status at the time, and unfortunately now again, and not to mention we were married. I couldn’t afford to divorce him and separate because we had a lot going on at the time. So, I confronted him, and we’d argued, and he did what he had done when I found out he lied about the vaccine. He got on his knees and begged for my forgiveness. I’d never forgiven him, and I haven’t gotten over it. I was forced to bury it and move on. Then from that moment onward, every time I talk about it or express my distrust. We argue, and he tries to make me feel bad about bringing it up. I tried telling him that I hadn’t had the chance to express myself completely, and I was still disappointed in him.

*Memory Flash*

I remember printing out all the messages, pictures, etc., for my records for when I divorced him and later meeting my sister at Amazon Books to show her and talk. I remember her asking if I would be okay, and I told her,

“I’m disappointed, and I’d expected better from him. He came from a decent family. Heck, they were like the Cosby’s. His father was well known, and he and all his siblings were educated and proper, with one black sheep”

*Present Thought*

I told my close friend the moment of discovery, after telling her about him lying about getting vaccinated, and she said, and I quote,

“Disappointed. Most people would say hurt or heartbroken. You sound like he was your friend, not your husband. That says a lot.”

Then she asked me the question that no one had ever asked me. She asked me point-blank.

*Kisha, have you ever been in love with your husband? Or was he just your escape?”

To be continued***

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Joyce Anderson says:

    If this is about you, you need to figure this out for your own happiness. Prayers for you and your family. Love ya girl.

    Like

  2. Lamia Johnson says:

    I am praying YHWH NOT OUR WAY IT WOULDB BE NICE IF HE JUST Croaked over and died But YHWH not my way

    Like

    1. Mikki says:

      I hope you find peace and healing ❤️‍🩹 on your journey.

      Like

  3. Ronessa says:

    Please seek Jesus Christ. Praise Him for what he done for you. repent and talk to God alone in a room . Talk to Him as you would your best friend. And watch how things turn around. But be honest and just pour your heart to Gkd. He listen and will manifest in your life greater than ever. You must God your everything. Friend , family, doctor ,lawyer, financial provider. You must have a relationship with God that are close. Try doing so now. He is waiting. But you must seek Jesus as written in the Bible. Knock and the door will be open. May God cover you with his blood of protection and blessings.

    Like

  4. Anonymous says:

    WoW sounds like a Book/Movie!
    Not2make light of ur DisappointingDiscoveries…
    I ask ThatPeaceBeWithUandUrs

    Like

  5. Walter Suggs says:

    Sweetheart keep you head up. God gotcha you !!!!!!!

    Like

  6. Marie ST SUME says:

    Just remember that you aren’t alone in this journey . Many have gone through or living the same exact situation as you or worse. Things happened for a reason. Keep your head up stay strong.

    Like

  7. There is a “free” way to post on this site instead of paying anything. That’s how I am able to reply here. Anyways, I am so sorry for what you are going through. This was the same situation that my mother had been in with her ex. After so many of his lies, she chose to break free away from him; at least for the sake of her health.

    Your health and your family’s health comes first before anything and anyone. After so long, a human’s heart can’t tolerate too much pain. So, in your case, see if you can schedule a couple’s counseling session with a professional, but if not, then you may have to finally call it quits with him, despite the many number of times he pleaded to be with you.

    All I can say is pray about it first with God and see where He wants you to go. How can you tell? If your heart aches too much and doesn’t feel loved anymore being with him, it’ll hurt like heck, but you have to free yourself away from all of the pain you had gone through. I know it’s tough but… STAY STRONG and know that you will make it. 🙂

    Like

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