I know it’s been a while since I posted about my marriage or anything personal on this blog. Reason being that I thought this blog was going to shut down. I didn’t renew my membership. But faith has it, I had forgotten to remove my credit card, and they charge me again. So, I guess I’m here to stay for another year. With that said, let’s go back–
Rebuttal to my Last Post
In my last journal entry, I talked about disassociating myself and reflecting on my life.
Well, if many of you have been following my IG or Tik Tok, you would’ve found out that my husband lied again. But this time he lied, about getting the vaccine. I know why he got It. His job was cornering him to get It, among other reasons. However, looking back at all the times he lied to me. That it is what I can’t seem to grasp. This man looked me in the eyes many times and lied. I remember seeing a pin on his nightstand that said,
“I got vaccinated,” and I asked him again did he get vaccinated. He told me then, and I quote
“Oh, they had those lying around.”
I had a funny feeling then that he was lying. But I let It go. Reflecting on that made me question everything he’s ever said to me.
Does he believe my theories?
Does he think I’m a nutcase?
When he says I’m correct about something, does he mean It?
These are just a few questions I’ve been pondering. You see, the lies from my husband go years back. I have come to realize that my husband is an expert in lying. He can make up a story at a drop of a hatch with a straight face. The man I married is a stranger.
That halo that he had is no longer there. The safety net and the initial reason I got involved with him which was my way of escaping my life at the time. But all I did was continue living a lie, but this time it wasn’t mine. It was my husband. I’m his lie. I’m his fake image of a perfect marriage to show off to his family and friends.
The other day, I decided to go down memory lane, and then I realized I was so unhappy. I wasn’t in the best of shape, and I barely smiled. But pictures of him showed him very fit and not sexually frustrated like I was at the time. Hence the weight gain. That is when I decided to investigate, and that’s when I remembered.
My husband had been cheating on me for years.
How did I not notice this?
Did I work that much?
He was paying hookers to do sick things to him.
Here’s the crazy part- I found out about this years ago. But due to my financial status at the time, and unfortunately now again, and not to mention we were married. I couldn’t afford to divorce him and separate because we had a lot going on at the time. So, I confronted him, and we’d argued, and he did what he had done when I found out he lied about the vaccine. He got on his knees and begged for my forgiveness. I’d never forgiven him, and I haven’t gotten over it. I was forced to bury it and move on. Then from that moment onward, every time I talk about it or express my distrust. We argue, and he tries to make me feel bad about bringing it up. I tried telling him that I hadn’t had the chance to express myself completely, and I was still disappointed in him.
I remember printing out all the messages, pictures, etc., for my records for when I divorced him and later meeting my sister at Amazon Books to show her and talk. I remember her asking if I would be okay, and I told her,
“I’m disappointed, and I’d expected better from him. He came from a decent family. Heck, they were like the Cosby’s. His father was well known, and he and all his siblings were educated and proper, with one black sheep”
I told my close friend the moment of discovery, after telling her about him lying about getting vaccinated, and she said, and I quote,
“Disappointed. Most people would say hurt or heartbroken. You sound like he was your friend, not your husband. That says a lot.”
Then she asked me the question that no one had ever asked me. She asked me point-blank.
*Kisha, have you ever been in love with your husband? Or was he just your escape?”
To be continued***